…not ready yet…
Posted by: The Samurai Caregiver on: September 30, 2011
Today is the fourth in a series of events where I’ve delivered a presentation to caregivers about the care giver and the care recipient being a team. In the middle of todays presentation, as has occurred to me all month, it dawned upon me that I’, not ready yet.
Though I’ve become somewhat adept at talking about various aspects of caregiving and weaving my own story in regarding that which I do for my Mom, I am apparently not ready yet to talk about what I did for my dad.
He passed June 2, 2011.
I haven’t really been talking about that yet, not publicly anyway. And yet I would feel remiss in these forums if I didn’t at least try to broach the subject of the care I undertook on my fathers behalf, for his behalf until he passed.
Apparently, I’m not ready yet.
Its still kinda new and very raw for me I guess. His passing wasn’t a surprise…but I wasn’t ready for the finality of it all.
Who ever is…really … I mean, coming to terms withe the finality of it all.
I wonder how long it’s gong to take the ‘yet’ time to pass. I know the answer is “it will take as long as it takes and then some”, but I still can’t help wondering…
You know I’m a planner; the consummate project manager. We’re used to having a definite time line for start and stop dates, durations, etc. This type of feeling, this ‘yet’ certainly doesn’t fit very neatly into our little project management boxes.
I was more of a care director than a care giver with him. He rejected much of what I said to him beginning last August all the way through to his transition in June. His rejection of offerings of assistance we’re sometimes painful, but I knew my father, and wouldn’t have expected anything less out of him. The balancing act between doing what he wanted and doing what was needed was very frustrating and tiresome; kinda like dealing with a very competent terrible two’s type of tyke who just happened to be 88/89 years old and still wanted to kick it one more time, stay in control until the very end.
I’m sure you’ve heard of the phrase “The mind is willing but the body isn’t able”. That pretty much sums up the situation with him. Watching that nimble mind deteriorate rapidly over the course of the last ten months of his life with a body that exponentially continued to refuse to cooperate… with me constantly getting caught in the middle of his wrath of cross hairs wasn’t fun at all; but it was where I needed to be…and so I was.
So… to that end, what I’m trying to communicate here is that I’m not ready yet and really don’t know when I’ll be able to add Daddy to my stories and experiences of caregiving. As with him, I must continue to remind myself that guess patience is a virtue and that I need to extend and accept a little of the patience I’m able to exercise with others with me as well for the time being.
I miss you Dad; more than I realized or thought I would. I love you so very much! I hope you’re acting out true to form in heaven, being as cantankerous as always (like Fred Sanford) and giving them hell up there too, enjoying every minute of it!
The Samurai Caregiver 
September 30, 2011 at 3:41 pm
I have found, after five years, that I am able to talk to some people about my son but not others. It depends, I guess, on what they are like and what their experiences are. But I can write about it!
August 29, 2012 at 10:12 pm
Kathy, please always feel that you have the right to be discerning with whom you want to open up to and share your story. Not everyone is interested or really cares even though they say they are. “Feel” you way to and through the people you meet and let you feelings and discernment be your guide.
“I See You” from Avatar