The Samurai Caregiver

(originally posted 5-13-2011)

Life continues to test my mettle and has now added my father to the challenge. Things are a little different this time as he’s not physically with me – and his diagnosis is deemed as terminal. So, in addition to being the ‘strong, caring and efficient daughter and caregiver’ for my mom (who is here with me) for the past 16 years, I’m having to duplicate all of  that  – and then some – with my Dad who is 12 hours away by car.

This was not totally unexpected – but the timing couldn’t have been worse. (Rhetorical question – Is there ever really a good time?)

To say I’m feeling like a little bit like a rubber band would be quite an understatement. It would be nice to know beforehand what my breaking point is before I reach it so that I can avoid it. I’m not superwoman and I’m not trying to be. That song ” I’m Only Human” is playing over and over in the back of my mind as I write this – I guess a subliminal message for me to remember this as I handle the both of them simultaneously , and try to keep things in perspective.

Twice with him in the last eight months I’ve had to make the dreaded yes/no decision with emergency room physicians on the other end of the phone, pressing me to say whether he’s DNR/I( do not resuscitate / intubate) or not. Right in the middle of him bleeding out or pulse being barely palpable or him being cold to the touch, I have to reach deeply and think quickly about whether to say yes or no and what it mean to say either.

It sucks having to make that decision under duress that way. (It sucks having to ever make that decision , period , but I digress).

For some to have the decisional power of life and death over another person by simply having to utter a mono syllabic word would be the ultimate ego trip for them. To a gambler, its a dream come true – you’ve got a fifty fifty shot at it and all bets are on. For those hung up in the “rightness” or “wrongness” in making such a decision and guilt themselves to death based upon the outcome of the decision should not be the one to have to make the decision as there is no right or wrong decision to be made at that split second; just the best one that can be made under the circumstances, based upon the information given to you by the physicians, your knowledge of the person , their wishes and the situation. I’m not implying that knowing any of this makes it any easier…but there is the saying that “making no decision is making a decision”…and this is one of those times in life when being indecisive is unacceptable.

Each time, so far, he’s remarkably been able to pull through, be admitted to ICU, put on a ventilator, get transfused, have surgery – only to express while on the vent disdain and be angry with me for calling 911 on him. Whats a girl to do? He refuses to sign an advance directive but fusses at me after he wakes up. They extubate him from the ventilator and what does he say? He pulls me down close to him, snarling and growling and says “its a hell of a thing to go to sleep and wake up here.”

I haven’t figured out quite yet if that’s a ‘thank you’ or not.

Oh well…